Big Chunks of Thunder
This is a parody based on EFCWriter's story Little Bits of Lightning. Dunno why I'm doing this-the story seemed so perfectly suited for one I guess, cause EVERYTHING you ever wanted to happen is happening. If EFCWriter doesn't like this, then I guess I'l be hearing from him/her soon enough. Sandoval was pissed. He'd seen Zo'or and Major Kincaid getting all buddy-buddy on the bridge of the mothership, and he didn't like it ONE BIT!! *I mean, what, I'm not good enough for Zo'or all of the sudden?* he fumed silently. He wouldn't admit it to anyone else, but he was concerned...okay, make that scared, about a summons from the Synod leader to "discuss his current position with the Taelons" whatever the heck that meant. Zo'or's ominous tone of voice had given him the wilies (as usual). Who was he kidding? The Taelon had ordered his excecution once, and wasn't above following through with it. Walking to the bridge, he mentally repeated the sentence that had become his mantra, *Zo'or is a poo-head, Zo'or is a poo-head.....* That always made him feel better before he squared off with the Synod leader. The bland, emotionless look was wiped off his face to be replaced by, ummm, an even blander look when he saw Major Kincaid was already there. *The jerk, hmmmph!* "Howdy, Zo'or, you 'ordered' to see me?" he said. "Hey, don't give me that lip service, you little punk! I'm the SYNOD LEADER!! Bwahahahaha!!!" Zo'or cackled maniacly. Turning to Liam, he asked, "See what I have to put up with, Liam? I get no respect I tell ya!" There was a long moment of silence, each of those in the room glaring at the other. If looks could've killed, we'd have a triple homicide on our hands. Finally, Sandy addressed Zo'or. "So what did you wanna see me about anyway?" "Oh, well, it's quite simple Ronnie, may I call you Ronnie? You're fired." At Sandoval's surprised look, he said, "Don't feel so bad, you can still work for Da'an...but don't put yourself out or anything. If he happens to meet with an unfortunate accident...well, I'll be the happiest Taelon in space! "But..." Sandoval protested. This wasn't happening! He couldn't be fired. He was the indespensible character of the show, the bad guy that was necessary so that the good guys could do their good guy thing every week. Zo'or gave him secret orders to kill or maime someone, and he was the one that did it. Nobody else could torture people with the expert precision he'd gotten it down to. Nobody! "Ah, no 'but's' Ronnie! Liam will now be my protector, and that's that." Zo'or made a shooing gesture with his elegant hand. "Run along now, Liam and I have *secret things* to talk about." Sandy shot one of his 'meanie-face-glares-of death' at Liam, who looked quite pleased with himself. *If that smirk on his face gets any bigger, he'll split it in two! God, I'll bet he's really enjoying this....the poo head* "Are you brain damaged *Agent Sandoval*? I said SHOO!" Zo'or shouted menacingly. Sandoval whirled around without a word and stalked out the bridge like a badly behaved toddler. He stomped his feet and clenched his fists, the whole nine yards. Once he was safely out of earshot of Liam and Zo'or, he muttered (sounding earily like Jan from the Brady Bunch), "Liam, Liam, Liam! Why does Liam get all the attention! He stole my job, the nerve! I'll get him back, they'll see! They'll rue the day they ever crossed Ronald Percival Sandoval!"
Liam was happ-happ happy! Everything was going his way: he'd gotten Sandy's job, Zo'or seemed to be buying his kissing up to him....HIM, the "leader in name only of the Resistance, cause TPTB thought that making him leader would be good for the show!" Ha! He stopped by the Flat Planet to brag, errr, share the good news with Augur. Course, Augur being the paranoid schitzophrenic that he was thought something was wrong in the state of Denmark...and the Mothership, too. For Sandy to suddenly fall from grace was just plain odd. Yes indeedy. Liam knew his daddy hated him with a passion implants weren't supposed to have. Looking at his watch, he got a most horrible fright! He was supposed to meet Zo'or (aka Mr. Poo-Head) soon, and if he didn't leave now...HE'D BE LATE!!!! But after the meeting, he's actually have the day to himself. But Sandoval...Liam snickered, and chortled, and laughed, and gufawed, on and on until Augur had to slap him to make him stop. Okay, to resume the original thought...Sandy's gonna be stuck doing grunt work! *snicker* The Volunteers were doing something sensor-ish, updating the Mothership's systems (from Taelon '98 to Taelon '00? Who knows?) He didn't give a rat's hiney anymore! It wasn't in his job description. Liam wished Sandy was right there so he could stick out his toungue and go 'neener neener' like he'd wanted to do earlier. Sometimes the kid in him wanted to just run wild and free around the Mothership. Hmmm, that didn't sound right. Maybe cause he WAS a kid! He was meeting Blondie (Renee), Augur, and Ratboy (Joshua) later that night at the Flat Planet. Where else? As if there were any other restaurants in town! Everyone goes to the Flat Planet, or they don't go anywhere at all. The creators of the show weren't creative enough to think of any other eating establishments, he supposed. Liam ran out the room at a full out sprint-didn't want to keep Mr./Mrs. I'm-so-important-that-the-whole-universe-revolves-around-me waiting. No indeed. If Sandy thought he was pissed before, well, he was MORE pissed now. *They're all poo-heads!!!* he thought. All the Volunteers, who he'd looked down on before with destain when he was Supreme-Super-Special Attache to Zo'or, were probably now laughing at him. All of them, laughing at him!! Sandoval looked around the busy room with paranoia filled eyes. The Volunteers were installing some new doohicky that would go WEEOOOhhh, WEEOOhhh!!!!, if anything not Taelon or human came through. *Well, nobody should have to worry now should they?* thought Sandy. *I mean, there's NOBODY at all who should set off the sensors, except for a Jaridian replicant. No one else should set it off...nope, no Kimera hybrids here. Uhh-uhh. Nope.*
Joshua 'Ratboy' Doors was in the middle of the most crucial phone call of his life-he was talking to his mommy. He told his secretary he had a super important meeting, cause he sure didn't want it to get out that he was a momma's boy. And someone had the audacity to knock on his door! "C'MON IN, DON'T BE SHY!" he yelled. Agent Sandoval, Former Super-Special-Attache to Zo'or, stepped into the office after a minute. In a loud enough voice to be heard, he said, "I'm going to have to go now, Mr. Pane. I'll finalize the contract and get back to you by whenever the heck I feel like it. Talk to you later, Window!" "Well if it isn't Agent San-do-val? How's life protecting Zo'or?" Sandy gave 'Ratboy' his Meanie-Face-Glare of Death, and Joshua suddenly gasped. "Oh....that's right! You're protecting Da'an now! My bad!!!! "What's the matter Ronnie? Are you here for a reason or do you just prefer my company over the Siths you work for?" 'Ronnie' just lifted an eyebrow, in a futile attempt to imitate his idol...Mr. Spock. After the longest pregnant pause in all history, he finally spoke. "I have a proposition for you Mr. Doors..." Joshua interrupted, a stunned look on his face. He didn't know Agent Sandoval was like *that*. "Sorry, ummm, Agent...but, you're not my type. Nothing personal." Sandoval blinked, keeping his expression neutral (now there's a surprise!), until something quite unusual happened. He started to giggle. Shoulders shaking, eyes beginning to water, and a grin that threatened to consume his face. Joshua looked on helplessly as the Compainion Protector fell to the ground in a fit of laughter. He started to gasp for air, after 5 minutes of constant giggling. Eventually, Sandoval stopped laughing enough to get out something. "I...just came to tell you...you're dad's alive. I've been keeping him on...the moonbase, secretly of course. It involves a secret Taelon experiment he took part in." "Secret experiment- as opposed to a *public* one, I suppose?" Joshua questioned, a shocked look on his angelic features. "Oh, dear, did I just say that? I wasn't supposed tell you yet!" Sandoval exclaimed. "EFCWriter has you going off on your own when we're on the moonbase, even though I tell you to stay put." "Well, then Mr. Sandoval, I'd say you've got a problem," said Joshie-poo (sorry, Kathryn!). "I guess we'd better go on as if this never happened. Let's see, what am I supposed to say now? Oh, yeah, carry on with your job, and I'll let you know in poo time, Mr. Doors, in poo time." Sandy stopped, a puzzled look on his face. "Oh wait, that's DUE time. Lemme try this again. In due time Mr. Doors, in DUE time." Sandoval then cleared his throat, schooled his features into its usual Vulcan face, and left. Joshua looked at his retreating figure, and muttered, "Poo-head!"
After Sandoval huffed off, Joshua wondered at his Freudian slip. *Daddy alive?? Impossible! Why, if Sandoval has him hidden somewhere on the moonbase, that would mean he's got a hidden agenda!!! Imagine that!* Well, whatever's going on...he doesn't give a rip! Joshua's got dinner plans to discuss ultra-super-duper-secret Resistance stuff with Blond...err, Renee, and Liam. If what Sandoval said was even partially true (and of course it was, or else, why would it be in EFCWriter's story?), then by gosh-those two geniuses would know something. Right? His global beeped...it was Blondie. "Yo, Joshie-poo! Wasssssup?!?" Renee said. There was a brief pause as Joshua started to feel a sneeze coming on. "Acchhhhooo!" *sniff* "Sorry, Renee, it's allergy season. Ummmm, my day? Well, Sandoval told me that my dad was alive, and I'm supposed to keep it a secret, so don't tell anyone, kay? Other then that, it was kinda boring-all these important business meetings and junk. You'd think I'm a CEO of an Intergalactical Corporation or something!" "Sure, fine, whatever," Renee responded distractedly. "Look, I just called to tell you where we're having dinner to meet with Liam for our ultra-super-duper-secret Resistance meeting. Liam found a place he's never been before and wants to try." "Just tell me already, Blondie!" Joshua said in supreme irritation. Renee simply rolled her eyes and said, "Get this, it's McDonalds. Liam's never been to Micky Dee's in his whole life (short though it may be). Isn't that a crime or something? Everyone should go to McDonalds as a kid, and get a happy meal, and..." "Renee-shut up!" Joshua shouted. "You!" Renee retorted, and stuck out her tounge. "No, you!" Authors note: This continued for hours, so I'll just delete the rest of the argument, and leave it to your more then capable imaginations. But here's a clue, the pronoun most used during it all was YOU, a whopping 100% of it, actually. Hours later: "YOU!!! Ok, so we're agreed, McDonald's near the Flat Planet in ohhh, 12.6 minutes?" Renee said, tiredly. "YOU!! Whatever, poo-head." Joshua shut his global with a slap, and sneezed again. *Darn these allergies! Where's my Kleenex?*
Joshua, Liam and Renee entered McDonalds, right as a birthday party let out. Screams preceeded the hoards of hyper 3 and 4 year old kids, who were eager to get to the playground and do their kiddie things. The 3 hapless adults were trampled on carelessly and completely flattened on the squeaky clean floor. As Joshua picked himself off the ground, Renee quipped, "See what you missed Liam? McDonald's birthday parties! Every kid should have one of those at some point." Liam glared at her and brushed the grime off his pants, unaware of the intense stares directed in his and Joshua's direction. Best friends Molly and Kathryn had been working all day long at the fast food restaurant and the birthday party had been the last straw. "Thank GOD we're off in an hour!" groaned Kathryn. "I just can't-" Suddenly, Molly cut off Kathryn with a really hard jab in the ribs. "Hey! What was that for?" said Kathryn sharply. Molly whispered in a quiet voice, "Kathryn, go get 'the buckets'-it's DROOL BUCKET time! Look at the pieces of meat that just walked in the door...oh dear, they fell down!" A piece of drool started to form at the edge of her mouth as she gazed at the object of her affection, the young Companion Protector Liam Kincaid. Kathryn swiftly placed a bucket underneath just in time to catch the drool before it fell and then gasped as she laid eyes on the most beautiful, perfect, hunk of beef she'd ever seen, AKA Joshua Doors. "I wonder what he'd look like without that shirt on...oh, and maybe add a bandanna?" she huskily muttered. Her bucket quickly filled with drool, and she had to soon replace it with another one, and then another one....You can see where this is going can't you? Molly was having similar problems nearby. Then she gasped, "They're coming over here! " *THUD!* *THUD!* 2 unconcious McDonald's workers hit the floor and were awakened by the insistant voice of a pissed off Renee Palmer, who only wanted a simple meal. Was that too much to ask for? "EXCUSE ME! Hello? Waitresses!!" Renee yelled. Liam and Joshua curiously peered over the edge of the counter and saw Kathryn and Molly slowly awakening. They, being the chivelrous, kind, and perfect gentlemen that they were, rushed over to help the woozy girls up. Kathryn could only clear her throat, and Molly had the presence of mind to say something. "Would you like fries with that meat?" Renee deadpanned, "We haven't ordered anything yet." "Oh, good point." Joshua is still holding a slighly dazed Kathryn, who blushes under his gaze. She stares soulfully into Joshua's hazel eyes, and finally speaks up, "Ummm, is it just me or did it just get real hot in here?" Renee sighed, and said, "It's just you. Now can we order some food? I assume you can do *that*, you brainless poo-heads?" Liam said, "Now Renee, they just passed out, give them some time to recover. Besides, I've never been here before and I don't know what I want yet." "You've never eaten at McDonald's before!" Molly gasped in shock. "Where did you grow up? Under a rock?" "Acually, I grew up in under 9 hours...but that's not the point. Ummm, what do you recommend?" Liam asked Molly. Kathryn continues to gaze at a now rather uncomfortable Joshua's hazel eyes, unaware of all activity around her. "Well, I guess you should start off with a Happy Meal. We're offering limited edition Taelon Beanie Babies right now," replied Molly. "Ok, well, I'll have a Happy Meal with a coke, and a Da'an beanie baby please," said Liam. Renee placed an order for a salad and water. When Renee looked over at Joshua and asked what he wanted, he just gave a grunt and waved his hand. She ordered another salad and water. Kathryn was still staring soulfully into his eyes, completely smitten with the billionare. Molly spoke up, "Gee, I'm sorry, we're all out of the Da'an beanie baby...in fact, we're out of everything but the Zo'or one. The kids don't seem to like him that much." Liam's lip begins to tremble. "But...but...I wanted a Da'an toy. Why can't I get a Da'an? I don't like Zo'or! He's a meanie poo-headed Taelon, and I have to work for him!" Molly shrugs in apology, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to take the Zo'or toy." Renee looked on in horror as Liam started to wail and shout. He threw himself to the floor, kicking and screaming like a 2 year old would....waaaaaait, he is 2. Molly doesn't know that, however, and is rather taken aback at the sight of a grown man throwing a temper tantrum. Kathryn continues to stare soulfully into Joshua's eyes, blissfully unaware of the tantrum that Liam is throwing virually at her feet. "KATHRYN! Some help please!" Molly yells. She drops down to Liam's level and starts to gently pat him on the back. "There, there, Mr. Kincaid, it's gonna be alright. I hope." She's never seen a grown man act like this before, but hey! she doesn't care. He's cute, she's calming him down, and that's all that matters...*Whatta hottie* she thinks. Kathryn suddenly falls to the ground (again). Staring at Joshua's rugged good looks for an excessive amount of time has proven to be too much for her system, and she stops breathing. Molly, Liam, and Renee all stare in amazement as Joshua gives Kathryn mouth-to-mouth to get her breathing again. *Omigod, I can't believe that!* Molly thinks enviously. *Why is it that Kathryn gets all the luck? Oh wait, this is MY parody...I can do whatever I want.* Molly grabs Liam and gives him a firm kiss on the lips that lasts quite some time. When Kathryn wakes up and sees Joshua, she can't help but give him a kiss in thanks. Meanwhile, Renee is getting quite disgusted with it all. *Poo-heads! We come here to have a simple lunch to discuss super-ultra-secret Resistance things, and what do I get? Liam and Joshua having hot n' heavy make out sessions with the waitresses! God! Before she can compete another thought, the doors and windows start to rattle. She looks around to identify the source of the disturbance, and sees two people leading a whole multitude into the restaurant. Molly and Kathryn jerk back into awareness as they look up from their respective hunks of meat...errr, guys, to see tag and Loui leading numerous angry looking Spherites (especially those with their own secret crushes on Liam or Joshua-Cleya is right up front) into McDonalds. The two friends stand protectively in front of 'their' guys, but then decide to drag them behind the counter to avoid the wrath of tag and the rest. The Spherites seem to have taken issue with the content of Molly's parody, and have come to rectify the situation. In an attempt to head them off, Kathryn and Molly start lobbing greasy hamburgers and fries in their direction. "FOOD FIGHT!" someone yells. Some time later, EFCWriter (with a paper bag over his/her/its head, concealing their identity) strides in and looks around in shock at what has happened to his/her/its story. "STOP THIS!" The food fight ceases all activity suddenly. Molly, realizing she's in the presence of the author who's story she's parodying, decides to clear the room. "Ok, people, unless you all want a whole platoon of Darth Moll clones in your stories-I suggest y'all scram!" The room clears faster then the time it took Kathryn and Molly to make moves on Liam and Joshua...and the two all alone with a rather peeved EFCWriter. "You pompous nincompoops!! I do not understand how you can presume to dictate my story in this quite unprofessional manner. Your antics do not behoove a fanfic writer, and this so called 'hot n' heavy make out session' is not appropriate. I demand you get back to parodying my story-NOW!" Molly, Kathryn, all covered with McDonalds food, have the grace to look sheepish. Renee pokes her head out of a pile of food and shouts, "POO-HEADS, all of you...POO-HEADS!"
Renee, Liam, and Joshua were sitting quietly in a corner of the fast food restaurant. Renee was in a most foul mood after the whole fiasco with the two incompetant McDonald's workers and sat throughout the whole meeting pouting and brushing at stray bits of food. The two aforementioned workers were attempting, quite unsuccessfully not to stare at the two hotties....errr, men, sitting with Renee. One was shyly glancing at Liam, and the other was gazing soulfully into the hazel eyes of Joshua. Meanwhile... "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!!," Joshua exclaimed to Liam in a rush. "Daddy may have been involved in secret Taelon experiments? No way! "Well, uhhh, Da'an never mentioned anything to me about it, not that the silly-willy Taelon ever does..." mentioned the super duper instakid Resistance leader person Liam Kincaid. "Have you heard anything Renee? Renee?" Renee was a DI employee as well as another super secret member of the Resistance. Not that she was very secret about it. I mean, really, she and Liam go traipsing around the friggin' Mothership and NO ONE notices. They could probably tapdance on the bridge in front of Zo'or and he wouldn't even blink. Do Taelons even blink? Good question. It's odd that nobody thinks that a Compainion Protector and DI employee hanging out is out of the ordinary, given the fact that DI has Resistance ties (think Jonothan Doors-founder of Resistance, former head of DI). But I digress. I digress alot in this parody. Renee had been picking at some hamburger bun stuck to her jacket, and glanced up at Liam's raised voice. "I didn't do it," she said automatically. At Liam's confused look, she said, "What? What? Do I have a booger hanging out my nose or something?" Joshua laughed and continued idly playing with the Zo'or toy from Liam's Happy Meal as Liam repeated his question. Renee tersely replied "Like, am I supposed to know every secret experiment that goes down around here? What do I look like, a smart person? (sorry Katie, nothing personal) Uh, no." Renee then calmly went back to picking at her jacket. Liam clapped his hands together and looked like a man with a plan (if you wanna get technical here, I should be saying, boy-cause Liam's only, oh, 2 or something like that) "Okay then. Well I've got a supery duper important meeting with Head Synod Honcho Zo'or, so maybe I'll find out something then, eh? Maybe Sandoval's got some secret agenda of his own, maybe the world is going to end tomorrow. One never knows, does one?" In concert, Joshua and Renee looked at each other, looked at Liam, and raised their eyebrows. "Uh, huh," remarked Joshua. "Speaking of dear 'ole Ronnie-poo, what's he up to these days since you got his job?" queried Renee. Liam scratched his head and looked like he was deep in thought. "Eh, something about supervising the instalation some kind of sensor thingie. I don't keep track of him anymore, but I wouldn't worry about it. I mean, how important could a SENSOR be," Liam said flippantly with a smirk on his face (such as would have been seen in season 2). If only he knew....
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