On this Saturday night nothing is keeping my attention long enough to stop me from worrying about you. I have tried just about everything, but nothing good is showing on the TV and the book now lying unused on my knee cannot keep my thoughts occupied. So I just sit here, sipping my tea, watching my cat sleep on my lap. In my stomach frightened butterflies refuse to settle down as I wait for news about you. Any news...

You are out on a raid again tonight. I do not know what the target is and you did not want to tell me before. That is fine, I guess. There is less danger in not knowing.

Sighing I once again glance at the clock on the wall and I feel a small smile tug at the corners of my mouth when I see that it is only five minutes later than the last time I checked. I can’t help myself though. This waiting is driving me crazy.

Minutes later my cat raises its head as he listens to sounds too faint for my own human ears to hear. He stands up and stretches before jumping to the ground and I am left wondering what he has heard. A moment later soft footsteps outside the window tell me you have come back and I find that I can breath again. The footsteps stop in front of my door and there’s a soft knocking. I walk over, open the door and smile on seeing you. You look lovely to my eyes with the dirt covering you from the tips of your supple leather boots up to your spiky hair. I let you in and observe you as you walk past me into the light of my livingroom. There is a limp to your walking and something clenches in the pit of my stomach.

Closing the door behind you and slowly turning towards you, I softly say your name. My breath stops for a moment as you raise your head to hold my gaze with your gray green one. What I see in your tired face tells me everything I need to know. The raid has not gone well, I am told by the smoldering anger in your eyes. You’ve lost people tonight, the sadness says. You need to be held and to be told that it will all be alright, the aching tenderness begs me. You open your arms to me and I seek comfort in your embrace as I bury my face against your chest to breath in your scent. I hear your heart beating in your chest and I know that you are really here and not just some figment of my overactive imagination. Your lips softly kiss my hair and I feel a lonely tear against my skin. Looking up into your face I carefully, tenderly wipe the tears away before taking your hand in mine and pulling you to the couch. I make you sit while I make you a cup of hot, dark tea. For a few moments I watch you sip it and it seems to be doing you some good.

"What happened?" I ask carefully and you shudder slightly as my words force you to relive what went wrong tonight.

"It was a trap. I let us right into it. By the time I realized what was wrong it was too late and we had to shoot our way out. Most if us made it, but three did not. All three of them...they were still so young, so innocent. It was my fault."

I want you to take those last words back, because we both know that they are a lie. But I don’t say anything, knowing full well that you will not accept my words of comfort in your present state of mind. So instead I ask the one question that has been playing on my mind since I’ve let you into my home.

"Are you hurt?"

You fidget for a moment and I am certain you will deny your injuries as you have done so many times before. But not this time.

"Yes," you say and I am frightened again. My medical knowledge is limited to dealing with scrapes and bruises. One of these days that knowledge will fall short. Angry at myself I push those dark thoughts away. The strong emotions these thoughts bring will not do you any good. Instead I smile at you as I pull you to your feet and take you into the bedroom. Carefully I help you to take your clothes off and we both giggle when I help you out of your black trousers. The action reminds us of other happier nights.

Pushing you towards the bed I tell you to lie down. Quickly I get some warm water, a towel and my first aid kit from the bathroom. Climbing onto the bed next to you I scan your body for injuries and I find a cut on your left upper arm. It is shallow and not bleeding anymore. Carefully I use the towel to clean the blood away and your eyes follow my every movement.

"I cut myself on some glass as I climbed out of the building," you say in a strangely flat voice that betrays your exhaustion. I bandage the cut and move to the livid bruise on the left side of your chest. You hiss as I carefully feel for broken bones, but there are none. You were lucky. As I apply a salve that will ease the swelling, you talk again in the same tone of voice as before.

"A Volunteer broke through my defenses. It was the last blow he ever dealt."

The wound on your right thigh was caused by a pulse rifle. You do not have to tell me. The ugly burn tells its own story. This injury hurts you worse than the other two and you moan quietly as I do my work. Every moan cuts deep into my soul. I do not want to hurt you like this, but I can’t stop it. At last I put the bandages away. I’m done.

"Thanks," you tell me and the slight quiver in your voice betrays your exhaustion.

"You should have that burn looked at by Melissa," I say as I pull the blanket up to your chin.

"I know. In the morning okay?"

I nod and tell you to close your eyes. You need to rest. A smile lights up your face when you tell me you want a goodnight kiss. I smile back and bring my face closer to yours. Your lips on mine make me forget everything for a moment as you put your arms around me. Your hands touch my body beneath my sweater and the familiar pattern makes me start to respond, as you breath becomes faster. In the back of my mind I know that we have to treat every moment as though it is our last, but I still capture your hands and stop you before I lose myself in the moment. I smile down on you to soften the rejection and tell you that there will be time for that later. Right now you need sleep above all else and you know it too.
I remain seated next to you until your eyes close and your breathing steadies into a sleeping rhythm. Softly stroking your hair I cannot take my eyes of your relaxing face. Strong emotions course through me. I hate the Taelons for the way they run your life, put you in mortal danger every single day. And I can not protect you from all that’s wrong in the world. I want to, would keep you here with me where it’s safe. But you will not let me. Nor can you. You were put in this world for a reason and though that reason still isn’t clear you’ll keep on fighting.

Our love is still so young and fragile and already I fear it will not last long. Several times over the last couple of months you have come to me like this, exhausted, injured both physically and spiritually. I am frightened every time you leave. So far your injuries where easy enough to deal with. But I know some day soon now the day will come when I will not be able to help you. In my lonely nightmares I hold you in my arms as you draw your last breaths and I can do nothing to stop it. I often wake up screaming. Now I smile down on you. You look so innocent and young when you sleep, freed for a couple of hours of the mask you show to the world around you. I know there is a darker side to you, one you hide from me, but I know all the same. I know that that darker side sometimes makes you do evil things. I do not fear it though. You will never hurt me that way.

It frustrates me that we have to keep our love a secret. I want to scream it at the top of my longs. But it would both of us at risk. It is the reason you denied your true feelings for me for such a long time. But I saw it in your eyes when you thought I wasn’t looking and in the end my patients was rewarded. We both know that we have to make the most of the time we have been given. It could all be over in a heartbeat.

Sighing I get up and turn of the lights. In the dark of the bedroom I silently undress to crawl under the blankets, shivering slightly at the sudden cold. You have turned yourself onto to your right side and I press myself against your strong back. You shift slightly as my arm slides across your chest and you mumble something so softly I cannot make out the words. Smiling I kiss the nape of your neck. Goodnight, my love...