Much
Raido This fic is for Allronix, who is starving for a post Atavus fic.

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Raido, Journey

"The twentieth rune and the eleventh of the thirteen runes that make up the Cycle of Self Transformation.

"Upright meaning: Two sided communication, the ultimate reunion that comes at the end of a journey. The soul’s journey toward self-healing, change and union of heaven and earth."

"Key words: Journey, pilgrimage, change, destiny, quest, progress, life lessons."

"Reversed meaning: Be particularly attentive to personal relationships."

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You told me today that I keep a puzzle buried inside me. Well, mother, you’re right, more so than you could ever know. And you can never hear about it.

I came so close to telling you the truth today, in that shuttle. Some of the things you said touched my heart. And for a while there I thought that maybe you’d figured out the truth about me and that the programming of your CVI had failed. For a couple of moments I let myself feel happy. But then I realized the truth. That I had come dangerously close to killing you. I can’t do that, mother. Not ever. I don’t want your life on my hands. It would kill me.

I know that you feel the bond between us, just like you feel the bond we both have with Sandoval. I still see the small trickle of blood from your ear when you asked me that very dangerous question not two days after you gave birth to me.

"Have we met?"

It broke my heart that I had to lie to you, but I had no choice. The truth will kill you and me both. So I told you:

"No, not in this life".

I feel so lonely, mother. It’s like I told you in the shuttle.

"My mother gave birth to me and then she had to leave. Nobody wanted to talk about where or why. I was left behind by both parents, raised by the next people to come along. They acted like a family, gave me a home... but somehow I feel like there's something missing."

That is how I feel. Something is missing. Lilli, Augur and Melissa do their best to make me feel like part of the family, accepted and loved. But they can’t quite pull it off, no matter how hard they try. Nothing can ever replace a parent. So many nights I lie in bed unable to sleep, wishing that things could be different.

I long to feel your arms around me, your soft voice telling me how everything will be okay. It can’t ever be. Fate has robbed us both of that chance. It is not fair!

When I found you in Dad’s hospital room this afternoon I allowed myself to imagine the three of us as a family. Mother, father and son. The two of you looked so peaceful. I know from both your memories that you have feelings for each other. You, mother, are more than willing to act on those feelings. You told Dad that your desires were purely physical, but I know that to be a lie.

It is unlikely anything will ever come of those feelings. Your CVI’s make sure that your first and foremost duty is to the Taelons. Anything else is unimportant.

I understand why you gave me Raido, the rune of communication and reunion. But the communication you seek will never happen. I tell you the truth about me and you die. I tell Sandoval the truth about me and I die. Those are the bitter truths of my life.

As much as I may long for a reunion with my parents, both of them, I have to settle for the relationship we have as colleagues. It may not be much, but it is all I have. I will cherish every moment we get to spend together. Hoping for more is futile.

I sometimes wish Dr. Park would be able to block my memories. Living without knowing the truth would be so much easier. But at the same time I don’t want to give it up. That’s one of the many puzzles I carry inside me.

I hope you can understand why I gave you the rune back. It has implications that would change our lives forever.

And with that in mind I gave Raido back to you, mother. Another rune may be more appropriate in our situation.

Othila, Separations...

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